Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
