TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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