I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
