I met the friendliest cop last night
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
