I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
