if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
