I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
