just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
