so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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