he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
