i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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