At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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