What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Randomize
