Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
