for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
