Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
