My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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