Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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