I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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