btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
