Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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