My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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