I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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