I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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