Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
