My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i will never coherently bang her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
