I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just forgot I was standing up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
