I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
