yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
