before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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