cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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