My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
