I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
