Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Let's get the cat blown out
and you fell through a lawn chair
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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