I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
