On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
