someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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