She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
