I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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