my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
