we made out on top of his cat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
