sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
