I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
