There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
