All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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