How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
