I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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