obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Randomize
