I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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