I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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