Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
