Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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