there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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