Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
