Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
