I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The ass gains better be worth it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
