i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
