her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
