I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
