I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
