just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
