I looked at my own cervix.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
