I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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