You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
